Dust In The Wind

Usually, in the morning all I'm thinking about is what I'm going to do that day, and bananas. Mostly bananas. Today When I woke up, I started reading 'The Giving Tree' (Shel Silverstein), which has been one of my favourite books since childhood. All of the information I just volunteered is inconsequential, and has no obvious relation to what I started writing this journal to say in the first place. I just wanted to make it clear that bananas are important, and name drop 'The Giving Tree', twice. It's that great of a book.

ANYWAYS, this particular morning, I got to wondering why it is that people I know tend to come to me for advice. I'm only 18, with hardly any life-experience. In other words, I don't know jack shit. Somehow, though, I manage to put them on the "right track" again, majority of the time. Then, they get the idea that I'm a prodigy or something silly like that, because they realize, 'Wow, she's so young and inexperienced, yet she's so knowledgeable!'.
What nobody seems to realize is that I talk bullshit. Everything I have ever said; every heart-warming verse, every inspirational stanza, every revelatory gust of words that magically seemed to clear away the clouds for the sun to just shine on through(!), has really been nothing but empty discourse. When I'm laying it out, I don't even notice it myself. It's when I think about it that I realize that A, any "great" advice I have given a person is something they already know - just set to a prettier tune. B, the advice I give people I usually don't even follow
myself. C, I can spout out ardent counsel just as easily as I can say my ABC's. It is all, in a way, rehearsed.

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do crumbles to the ground
Though we refuse to see

If more people allowed themselves to observe outside life, not related to themselves, and to filter that life until they got down to the raw bits of it, with a little effort they could apply the semi-obvious lessons to their own lives. Instead they have others relay to them something they already really know. The problem with this generation is that we are all self-absorbed, and overly emotional. Those two flaws often create a barrier when trying to settle problems with oneself, because they act as an effing deer light blinding the shit out of our personal insight. So, we look to external things, and other people to solve our problems for us, whilst trying to maintain the image of effortlessly "having shit together". Essentially we are all just part of a fucking enormous, melodramatic ostentation. All I want to do is be a spectator.

Don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

I'm sure I was going to elaborate on this more, but I've been interrupted by the storm in my tummy that's thundering, 'BANANAS!', and lost my train of thought. So, maybe next time.

And If You Think You Are Better Than Me, You're Right

I want to break apart my heart.

I'm so tired of people. Within the past few months, I've let myself sort of slip back into being social.. Only to be abruptly reminded of why I was even anti-social to begin with. I wish I had a built-in radar that would show me whenever someone was a douchebag, or bitch. Upon seeing the constant results, though, I would probably be even more depressed.
As it is, I feel like I've been losing sight of all the good things in life,
and everything is just going to shit.

I've been smoking A LOT of weed the past few months. I guess drugs come with socializing in this town(and probably every town.. unless its an Amish town. I don't think they can talk.) .. Anyway, the weed is making me more depressed, I think. I know that it's making me more anxious.. lately there are times when I don't even want to leave the house because my stomach is wrenching and I feel overcome with anxiety... it's making me more paranoid, too, which some of my friends can account for. Haha. Moral of this story is: This is having a more negative affect on me, than a positive one, so... I'm quitting. I'm a quitter.

I want to pick up the pieces
And plant them in the ground
When a tree grows there
I want to chop that tree down.

I just started a new paragraph because, I wanted that last one to end on the whole "I'm quitting" note.. kinda makes it seem more final. I'm really only sort of quitting. I'm going to try to do it about a quarter of how much I have been doing it. So like, maybe 2 - 3 times a week, and then I'll work my way down from there. I hate the feeling of being dependent on a drug (or anything) in order to function in certain ways, and I'm pretty ecstatic about the idea that in the (hopefully) near future, this will no longer be the case. And then there's cigarettes...

In other news, I've been having a lot more good ideas for arting! Polishing them up a bit before I put them out there, though. I think they're from all the stress, and negative emotions building up.. pain has always been my muse. [Emo]. Seriously, though, its because of all the emotions I've been dealing with lately, both good and bad. Things seem to still be going the way of unbearable apathy, but I have been feeling a little less numb than I normally am..Not really sure if it's a good thing, or a bad thing, yet. I'm not really sure about anything.

And if all I see
Is the worst in everything
That's all I'm gonna get..

...There's no one to love
There's no one to trust
In my life.

I Can't Stop From Just Smiling When That Damn Sun Is Shining

Today is St. Patricks Day. The evening is rearing its head, and I still don't know what I'm doing tonight. The traditional thing to do is get shit faced, and have a night you'll never remember. With only 18 years on me, and an empty wallet, I'm going to have to find a more creative way to spend the evening...

On a different note, I'm so sick and tired of giving all of my friends love advice. I mean, I've only had one major relationship - yet my little bit of experience combined with common fucking sense is a recipe for revelation with these people. What the fucking shit? I mean if it were advice for things that required atleast a little bit of heavy thinking, instead of just being frickin obvious, then I wouldn't mind because I like to help people. However, everyone should have common sense enough to know that if you fuck a guy toward the beginning of your friendship/relationship it's going to effect how that relationship plays out from then on. Introducing intimacy that early on is a bad idea unless you aren't trying to shoot for anything more than that. Please people, I know you get all caught up in feelings and shit, but sometimes you gotta turn your heart (and genitalia) off and switch your logic and reasoning on.

I think it's stupid all the people who are moaning
Yeah moaning on

While the sun is shining down
On our city streets

I suppose the end of the entry is a nice time to start in with all the generic first-blog-post hibbyjibby. I'm thinking this will be updated.. whenever the fuck I want to update it. I will try to make it regular, though. Maybe something like once or twice a week at least. I may even try to make it daily.. but the life of a wallflower is not as exciting as it sounds...Ha ha.

Seacrest out?