I want to break apart my heart.
I'm so tired of people. Within the past few months, I've let myself sort of slip back into being social.. Only to be abruptly reminded of why I was even anti-social to begin with. I wish I had a built-in radar that would show me whenever someone was a douchebag, or bitch. Upon seeing the constant results, though, I would probably be even more depressed.
As it is, I feel like I've been losing sight of all the good things in life,
and everything is just going to shit.
I've been smoking A LOT of weed the past few months. I guess drugs come with socializing in this town(and probably every town.. unless its an Amish town. I don't think they can talk.) .. Anyway, the weed is making me more depressed, I think. I know that it's making me more anxious.. lately there are times when I don't even want to leave the house because my stomach is wrenching and I feel overcome with anxiety... it's making me more paranoid, too, which some of my friends can account for. Haha. Moral of this story is: This is having a more negative affect on me, than a positive one, so... I'm quitting. I'm a quitter.
I want to pick up the pieces
And plant them in the ground
When a tree grows there
I want to chop that tree down.
I just started a new paragraph because, I wanted that last one to end on the whole "I'm quitting" note.. kinda makes it seem more final. I'm really only sort of quitting. I'm going to try to do it about a quarter of how much I have been doing it. So like, maybe 2 - 3 times a week, and then I'll work my way down from there. I hate the feeling of being dependent on a drug (or anything) in order to function in certain ways, and I'm pretty ecstatic about the idea that in the (hopefully) near future, this will no longer be the case. And then there's cigarettes...
In other news, I've been having a lot more good ideas for arting! Polishing them up a bit before I put them out there, though. I think they're from all the stress, and negative emotions building up.. pain has always been my muse. [Emo]. Seriously, though, its because of all the emotions I've been dealing with lately, both good and bad. Things seem to still be going the way of unbearable apathy, but I have been feeling a little less numb than I normally am..Not really sure if it's a good thing, or a bad thing, yet. I'm not really sure about anything.
And if all I see
Is the worst in everything
That's all I'm gonna get..
...There's no one to love
There's no one to trust
In my life.
